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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29058003">look at how my tears ricochet</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiekat784/pseuds/katiekat784'>katiekat784</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Folklore [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Firefly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Inara's inner turmoil, Mal's an idiot, Pre-Serenity (2005), a highly dysfunctional crazy family, post Firefly, the crew are family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:47:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,215</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29058003</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiekat784/pseuds/katiekat784</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Inara thinks of what exactly makes a home. She doesn't understand when it become a group of people instead of a place. She certainly can't figure out how whenever she thinks of her home, it looks a lot like the crew aboard Serenity. </p><p>Or</p><p>He made no qualms about expressing his distain for her profession but made it a point to say how he never wanted her to be in a situation where she was in harms way. He would provoke and insult her every chance he got but then always wanted to save her, the man got in a dual for her for gods sake! That man was confusing and made her head spin and heart flutter. And half the time she didn’t know if she wanted to slap or kiss his yú bèn de face, but she had grown attached to him. She had started to depend on him and that absolutely terrified her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Malcolm Reynolds/Inara Serra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Folklore [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2131743</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>look at how my tears ricochet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Based off of track 5 (my tears ricochet) in Taylor Swift's album Folklore. The lyrics for this song are a really good match for Mal/Inara. I will always be bitter that these two (and the whole show) didn't have more time to unfold on our screens.<br/> </p><p>Translations:<br/>yú bèn de = stupid          <br/>suô xi = petty; trivial</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me?<br/>
</em> <em>And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?<br/>
</em> <em>Cursing my name, wishing I'd stayed.</em></p><p>Something she’d gotten used to in the year she spent on that ship was the noise. The constant hum, a never-ending hum, like a lullaby it lured her into sleep each night when she would tangle herself under her silk sheets and let her heavy eyelids close. Her busy mind stopped assessing, analyzing, calculating because she was always calculating the words she would use when speaking around them – well around him – at least she tried. But the crew on Serenity was unlike any other group of people she’d encountered. They were highly difunctional, a group of people that couldn’t be more different. But somehow, they all just fit together in that ship she swore was sometimes held together by tape and wishes. And she missed it – the noise – not them she tried to tell herself, but she knew that there was no point in attempting to correct her train of thought about this anymore. Companions didn’t get attached, they spent years learning how to separate certain emotions, how to live without certain complications. They had friends they socialized with, they had clients they would entertain, they had the others they would train with and call sisters. But they were never dependent on anyone to bring them happiness in their lives. And that’s where being on Serenity got complicated for her. Because she had somehow come to rely on these people. They bypassed her years of training and she wanted them in her life. More pressingly, she needed them in her life. And that terrified her but perhaps what scared her the most was that she realized that long before she left, long before that night she felt that she needed to leave and did nothing about it.</p><p>If she had to pinpoint the time they all got under her skin and into her heart it would be around the time the others had done that <em>yú bèn de </em>train job for Niska and it went wrong, as most of their jobs tended to do. She needed to save Mal and Zoe and there was no time to talk herself out of it. It was the first time she actively participated in the crews not so legal activities. It took her weeks to finally admit to herself that she experienced a rush of emotions that she had no business feeling about getting involved. Plus, she had an excuse to slap his <em>yú bèn de </em>face. She tried to keep her involvement to a minimum after that for a multitude of reasons. One being she was a registered companion, not a thief, she didn’t want to have to wrap her head around the rush of excitement and freedom she felt when doing things like that. Freedom she noted, she used to feel when just being a companion and not moonlighting as a member of Mal’s crew. Then there was the mess that was Saffron. And even when that woman left, their lives were still tainted by the memory of her. Her resolve finally cracked when Mal came to her and asked for her help. He laid down his pride and asked her to aid him. Considering how he made it a point to keep her out of his line of work and who he was as a person, she knew just how monumental that was for him, for their relationship. As if she needed another reason to feel guilty for saying what he did was <em>suô xi</em> but by then, she knew that her being on this ship still was a mistake.</p><p>The first time she realized just how much of a problem her newfound realization about the crew was going to be when Serenity’s engine stopped, and she couldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t the first time she was properly scared while being on this ship. The incident with the reavers had prepared her for that feeling. But. it was the first time she realized just how scared she was about everyone else on-board Serenity and just how much she had grown to care and depend on them. Kaylee and her childlike innocence that always brightened her day. She depended on her ability to keep Serenity in the air. Wash and his love for Zoe, showing Inara that true love does in fact exist. She depended on his ability to keep Serenity flying. Simon and his devotion to his sister, proving to her that caring about someone doesn’t have to completely ruin a person. She depended on him to keep them from hurting as much as he could. Zoe and her loyalty to Mal and Wash but still able to stand on her own without their help. She depended on her to keep them safe and Mal in line as best she could. River and her perseverance, determination to not let whatever they did to her control her life. She depended on that strength to help guild her when making decisions. Even Jayne had become someone she depended on. He was good in a fight and hadn’t betrayed them all yet that she knew of and that was something. And then there was Mal. Her brash, unapologetic, secretly caring captain. He was their pillar, he made sure they all kept flying, kept moving. She sometimes contemplated if he was moving forward or just moving, running away from somewhere. She depended on him and it scared her the most. He made no qualms about expressing his distain for her profession but never wanted her to be in a situation where she was in harms way. He would provoke and insult her every chance he got but then wanted to save her, the man got in a dual for her for gods sake. That man was confusing and made her head spin and heart flutter. And half the time she didn’t know if she wanted to slap or kiss his <em>yú bèn de</em> face, but she had grown attached to him.</p><p>She knew that it was going to be her downfall, that there would be a time where she could no longer ignore the attachment she formed with them, with him. And when Nandi came back into her life for the briefest of moments, that was it. He was never subtle; it was not something he was accustom to. She was trained to observe, to see how others perceived her so she noticed his reaction to her, to them both right away. Even if she weren’t a companion, she would have noticed but she secretly and selfishly relished in the fact that she had never seen him look at anyone else like that, not even Saffron. But then he looked at Nandi that way, he wanted her and made no attempt to hide it. And he did the one thing he never let himself to with her – the one thing she simultaneously wished he would’ve done long ago and never do – he let himself be with Nandi. She knew that former companion would never have bedded him if she knew about her feelings for him. And she thought she hid it so well from everyone. And she did, the untrained eye would never and had never picked up on it, But this was Nandi, not a whore, she was a well-trained companion who left that life. And when the older woman did notice her heartache and attempted to comfort her, she wouldn’t allow it. Instead, she finally understood that this – whatever she had let herself feel for the crew – had to end. Because in her life, in the life of a companion, she had to deal and interact with others just like Nandi. These were people that like herself, spent a good amount of time observing people. Dependency on another, attachments that ran this deep weren’t allowed. Over the past year, she let herself become attached to someone, someone she wasn’t going to bed, someone she wasn’t going to use her years of training on. And that simply could not happen. The people she entertained; the client that came to her, paid her for the sexual act but mostly for the fantasy. The fantasy that they were the only one that entranced her, that they were the only one who occupied her thoughts. And if someone who understood that life, someone who knew where and how to look saw the glimpse of heartbreak in her eyes, it was time to leave. So, she did. She left them, she left him, and it was the most difficult task she had ever done in her life.</p><p>She ran back to house Madrassa in hopes that she’d be able to put the pain of losing them behind her and move forward with her life. And she did, she trains the other companions, she recalls stories of her time on the more civilized planets they stayed on and the life of the people who retain her services. She moves along with her days; they are filled with joy and simplicity and comfort. It’s her nights that haunt her. Her nights are filled with a pulling ache at her chest, a longing that she can’t shake. A yearning for a slight hum that brought her peace as she laid her head against soft pillows, letting her eyes rest. She felt herself desiring fast paced adventure, her heart twisting for exhilarating escapades with danger lurking around the corner. She felt herself craving an arrogant, brooding captain and every night she could never escape these feelings. They trapped her in an endless loop of longing and hatred.   </p><p>She’s no longer there, on that ship and yet thoughts of him circle her mind continuously. The cruelest thought of them all is the one she tries her hardest to push away, to deny even to herself. It’s the thought that if Mal wasn’t so yú<em> bèn de</em> and a coward when it actually mattered, just how different her life would be right now. The thought that keeps her up the most is about the life that she could’ve had with him if things weren’t so complicated. If she didn’t know the only thing, she could do to save herself was leaving and if he asked her to stay. Because she would’ve given it up – this life and joined him, joined them – if he asked. Because despite everything she’s learned since she was twelve, she loved them, she loved <em>him</em>. She was in love with him and even moving halfway across the ‘verse, she still couldn’t get away from the haunting memories of him, of that life she built on that dysfunctional, beautiful ship. She stays up into the late hours of the moonlight thinking about the last time she was in this training house. She thinks about her life before them, before him and how she was content but not fulfilled. And now that she’s had a taste of what it’s like out there, the life she found herself wanting to built with all of them. She thinks that she’s become addicted to that feeling. Before them, before Serenity the training house was her family, her comfort. Now it just felt wrong, the pieces of her life didn’t fit perfectly into each other anymore. Now, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t seem to slip back into her old life. It’s not the same anymore, she’s changed too much and as much as she wished the companions could fill the void, they didn’t anymore. That spot was taken over by them, by Serenity. It’s taken over by the life she's built with them. It’s overshadowed the life she was trying to go back to, and no amount of time or distance was going to change that. But she had to try because she couldn’t live like that anymore. Being in both worlds was slowing tearing her apart and she couldn’t focus anymore. So, she made a choice. She had hoped he would’ve swallowed his pride one more time and give her a reason to stay but he was too stubborn and wouldn’t give in. If she was going to leave everything she knew, she needed more than just her hopes and occasional moments of truth. And he couldn’t give that to her. So, she packed up her things and went back to the life she knew best. And everyday she fills her days with practicing old skills, learning new ones. Everyday, she let herself fall back into old routines, and get reacquainted with the person who didn’t know about what it was like to truly depend on others, to know what it was like to truly have a family. And every night, she dreams of unlived adventures, of disregarded experiences. And every night she wills herself to let go of them – of him – knowing that one day it would stick, and Serenity would be nothing more than a synonym she’ll avoid using for the rest of her days and home will be a place and not a feeling.</p><p><em>And I can go anywhere I want, just not home. </em><br/>
<em>And you can aim for my heart, go for blood.<br/>
</em> <em>But you would still miss me in your bones.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading, comments are always welcome.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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